The Truth

I'm terrified. Of being a good mom. Of being a mom.

Its something I've wanted for so long, yearned for, ached for; but honestly, its always been so illusive that, well, its been one of those "unattainable dreams" that we all have.

As the DH and I have been discussing it, I've started realizing more and more how excited he's getting about it. He's talking about it to people other than me. Friends, family. I've told my parents, and have told them not to tell anyone. That lasted until last week. Now they're telling EVERYONE. I'm estatic. They're estatic.

I'm realizing that I have some issues that I need to deal with. One of them being the fact that I have a huge gut wrenching need to have a biological connection to a child. Being an adoptee, I have unresolved issues. Most of us do. Its just part of the territory. I didn't realize I had such a desire; such a need until last week when DH and I were getting fingerprinted as part of our "Homestudy Homework". (I get to pick up the results of our state background check on Monday, yay!)

So, back to the issues.

Yea. Didn't know I had this one. I'll have to dig around in my brain and figure this one out. I can usually do that without issue, but for some reason I'm terrified of finding the crux of the problem. Maybe I'll have to dig up the name and number of the socal worker whom I worked with 12 years ago when I did "the search". Oh yea, that went well ... found my birthmother, but with the threat of a restraining order ... well, lets just say I had a good cry and called it a day.

I realized through that process how relisiliant I am. I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. This was the start of five years of hell in my personal life. My mid-twenties were fantastic, but WOW, did I live alot of life. Good and bad. Lost 2 grandmothers, mom had a bypass and three (yes three) heartattacks. Funny thing is, once it was over, it was over. No more sickness that was weird or couldn't be handled easily. Dad had a bypass (but no heartattack) and was back driving in 3 weeks. No big deal.

Every time one thing was just about over, I'd get blind-sided (with a cement truck!) with the next thing. Work a campaign? Get hired? Move to DC for the job? Oh, no job available for you. So sorry. Live in DC. Can't find job. You're a Democrat? So sorry, no job for you. Find job. Six months later, move to Los Angeles for same job, better pay. Oh, can't afford the life on better pay? Get second job. Still can't live on two paychecks? Suck it up, ask parents for subsidy. Move apartments because parents broke and can no longer afford subsidy even though they don't say anything.

This actually happened within an 18 month period. I learned how to bounce back. Deal quickly, efficiently, effectively with issues. I learned to reach out for help when I needed it. Usually the therapist I went to just told me how well-adjusted I was, authorized 3 sessions to get me over the "mountaiin-o-stress" I was dealing with, and was of no actual help to me anyway.

I'm honestly more well adjusted than this, I swear. I guess this is just bringing things up to the surface to be healed. I like looking at it that way, but geez, HEAL already! LOL

DH and I are going to two adoption fairs within the next few weeks. One is 3 1/2 hours away and two of the agencies that we're looking at will be there. The other fair will only have one. We've got the field narrowed to three, but there is an obvious choice in my mind. They're the only one of the three that is accredited by the Russian government. One of the others is actually my fave, but the accredidation just tips the scales WAYYYYY in the other direction.

So I'm terrified, but thrilled. I'm scared but hopeful.

I still hate it when people bring babies in the office though.