Tuesday, December 21, 2004

But where do I fit in?

As DH and I got closer to the wedding day, I started getting excited. Excited about marrying the love of my life (cliche, but true). Excited about starting a family with him.

While I was waiting for DH to make a decision on starting our family, I joined a really cool online community of women who chart their cycles, speak a cool "Fertility" language, and are just all around neat people.

So where do I fit in? Where DID I fit in?

Absolutely no where. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't fair.

I started identifying with women who were "Infertile" (damn, I hate that word). Why? Because they didn't have a baby, just like me. I could relate to their anguish, their pain of emptiness, their soul deep despair. I was feeling it, too. But for another reason. I was all alone in my desire to hold a child.

I stopped going to baby showers. I became very angry when people broke policy and brought their children in the office because they didn't have a sitter. We even had one woman who would pick up her sick child from school, bring her back to work, and make a little nest under the desk in her cube so her daughter could sleep under there for the ENTIRE day. She even would walk around telling people to conduct their business elsewhere.

So, I'm not infertile. Or really, I don't know if I am or not. All I know is, DH and I worked past this "block" we had for the two of us. Our first children will be adopted, and then we're going to try to have a couple of biological children.

Adoption is not an option. Adoption is not a choice. It is a life. And this is mine.

I'm now going to go break up a cat fight, let the dog chase one cat, and go hang out with my husband. Have a great night, y'all. ;)

1 comment:

Karen said...

I don't think I fit in anywhere, either, Bee. I am not "baby dust" infertile, and I'm not pregnant or a mom. So I know what you mean about that. Many of the women in our group got pregnant.

Lurve you, girl.